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November 2. 00. 8 - www. Welcome to Orsm. net. Dinner at my place tomorrow. You're all invited. I'm cooking. SOMEHOW..

Mental but it does mean only three more until my work year is officially over and staring down the barrel of December as we are I'm sure it'll pass damn quickly. Fine by me - I need a break from the PC more than words can describe. I sometimes wonder if things have always been like this or if I've just reached the age where things are clearer to me. I used to be more tolerant and go with the flow but it seems that people deliberately go out of their way to be stupid, impose their conservative views on a progressive society, and generally make life less fun. We shouldn't always be looking over our shoulders for the politically correct police. Take for instance the retarded minister here in little old Western Australia this week who got her face on TV by proposing that smoking should be banned in cars with kids onboard, in beer gardens and alfresco areas. When asked when she was last in a pub she could not remember - it had been so long.

Seriously fuck me. Another out- of- touch do- gooder over reaching and missing the point. I agree with people not being able to light up indoors and let's face it, if parents are stupid enough to smoke around kids then those kids have bigger problems to worry about but not being able to puff away outside is just ridiculous. What's that? Oh you don't like the smoke out here? Fuck off back inside then! There was also the suggestion that smoking should be prescription only. That means you would have to see a doctor who would authorise you to buy smokes from the chemist.

It's pretty safe to say there isn't a single person on earth that doesn't know 'smoking kills' so if they make the choice to do so, why not let them? Australia is turning into an over governed shit hole. Speed or do a burnout - say goodbye to your car. Consume alcohol at the beach - fine and confiscation. Smoke in a public place - taken out the back and beaten. Look at porn online - sorry the gov blocked it. In 5. 0, 1. 00, 2.

Think Equilibrium, THX 1. Logan's Run.. Moving on.. What was it? For those of you who don't have a big fat green thumb, mulching involves piling mounds of decomposing tree and soil matter upon garden beds to a) retain water thus reducing usage; b) improve aesthetics; and c) stop the fucking weeds. The latter obviously being the most important.

So I jumped on the phone and ordered a two cubic metres, roughly three trailer loads, and according to the guy approximately two tonnes. I have my doubts about that though.. Anyway I started the madness Friday night after it was dumped on the front lawn. Barrow by barrow onto the garden until it was too dark and then fired up again first thing the next day. Come early afternoon and following a trip to get even more after running out, pretty much anywhere there was sand was now covered in a generous layer of black mulch. That hopefully brings to an end for the next couple of months anything garden related.

Some of you are probably wondering why bother - why not just let it grow. Admittedly this old piece of shit house I call home probably no one would notice but I just cannot bring myself to let it run wild. Yes its old, yes it's a piece of crap that leaks oil and blows smoke but giving it a wash every now and then makes it feel not so bad. Okay that pretty much brings to an end the riveting social commentary and 'my life' portion of the update so let's get on with all the cool shit. Check it.. Don't even think about paying for porn on the. What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on.

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I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers. One queer says, ! We are going to go all out to win the country voters. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Laser Code Dating Equipment.

Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.? Is it an old outback custom? Don't greet us with the words . If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say ?

If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks.

If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it. If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as hell get yourself downstairs. Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it in my fucking ambulance.

Don't even fucking THINK about hitting me. And I can kill you and leave no trace. Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A& E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive ******.

Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because . If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins. If you've taken drugs, tell me.

I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 1. Your friend looks like something the Japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it. Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence. If your first words to us are . Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you.

We drive big vans, not the starship enterprise. If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A& E for a bit of food and a cup of tea.. We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off. If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.

We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad bastard temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end. ORSM. VIDEO- - *THIS* CHANGES INTERNET PORN FOREVER AND ITS WHY YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO PAY AGAIN. SERIOUSLY.- - A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.

He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 4. The foreman is really impressed with the good ol.

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, . As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, ! The foreman thinks to himself, .

He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, . Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.